for a long time, my feelings were dead. for all intents and purposes i was a zombie. for the better part of a year, i was unable to feel. i was unwilling to feel. this lack of feeling starved my creativity to the point of a horrific undeath. like all zombies – as if they actually are a real thing – i was mindless and consuming. i was not living. i was not creating. only destroying and feeding off remnants of discarded husks. a scavenger and a carrion feeder brought into its own creation by myself.

my lack of emotions and feelings were brought about by traumatic events all too painful to shut out. so, instead of shutting out, i shut down. i created my own frankenstein’s monster – though he had more feeling than i had at the time – out of myself and i became an empty wilted husk of my former self.

i weep as i write these words. something i have done more lately than not, but something i have not done in a long while. it is hard to weep when you feel nothing. it is easy when you feel greatly. i feel again. for this i am truly grateful and very much indebted to a very amazing woman, Jennifer. without her, i would never have felt love. i would never have felt sorrow. i would never have felt joy. i would never have felt regret. though i do not blame her for the more – shall we say – negative emotions. those are my own doing. more accurately, i feel that for the most part, i am responsible for my own emotional state.

i am no longer the zombie. i feel. i hurt greatly, but i feel.

Oh blighted heart, why must you torture me so? i clear away the cobwebs and clean out my heart. i allow myself to feel again after far too long only to be ripped apart and rendered useless. i was happy for fleeting moments.  unfortunately, all at the expense of the object of my desires.

peel away all these façades and expose my true self. unburdened and unhindered by the puppet strings of the past. the cold stone walls crumple around my heart so i may see through to the green pastures, rolling hills, and the beauty of thine eyes. may God strike me down should i ever make those eyes cry.

I hope I can forgive myself and learn from my errors. I want to be a better person. I want to be me.

I know that I am me. More so now than I have been for quite some time. Unfortunately, it took a bit of a trauma to restart my emotional self. Trauma that I hope to recover from. I just don’t think it was worth the loss. The price was too high.

~adieu

Sea-Fever

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea’s face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

By John Masefield

i feel as though i have lost my north star. though it was dim and faint, i could see where it was guiding me. i knew the destination was a place i wanted to be. but now, i am on my own. i must guide myself alone. though i know i can accomplish the task, the destination seems lack luster. clouds may block my view of guiding lights, i do know they are still there. i know i will make it and in time learn that my path is as it always has been.

~adieu

I’d rather not die a metaphorical death – or at all for that matter. I choose to untie my bonds. I choose to lift the blindfold from my eyes… and see the pretty lights.

~adieu

Melancholy and regret sour my thoughts
As I think upon things that I lost
Of happy times and things to be
Things that might have been

My thoughts meander and flow
Like rivers of lost causes
Hoping to change. Hoping to live
Hoping not to lose what I lost

Last night I had one of those deep conversations. It was because of this that I came to a few self realizations. One being that I need to be more self aware. More importantly, that I am depressed. I haven’t been really happy or excited for some time now. I feel empty and lost. I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. I feel as though I’ve lost my soul. That the candle that lights up my very being has been snuffed out. The wick lays there charred and limp but no flame comes to light it. I need to change my life. I need my passion back. My heart. My soul. I thought I accepted change easily. After last night, I came to realize I am terrified of change. This isn’t me. Not who I was. But it is what I’ve become and I’m not happy with this. I’m not happy as this person.

I need to let this person that I’ve become go and be the person that I want to be. I want to love. I want passion. I want adventure. I want to be happy.

I have become disillusioned with the status quo and things being as they are because they just are. It is an easy go ahead and play dead outlook that results in just that. All that can happen is you end up playing dead. One can have the right complain for making a lack of a decision. Let the choice just go ahead and make itself. Allowing to the inevitable and making yourself roll over. It is the ultimate in the fear of commitment. By letting go and letting other decide for you, you end up raising your hands and shrugging your shoulders. After all it wasn’t your fault. Things just happen for a reason. And in some cases, things don’t happen for a reason. It’s all one in the same.

In other news – more relative to myself and not some stupid tech update about my website –  I have been quite sad recently.  I think mostly due to the fact that I was not there for my son’s birthday though I am sure there is more to it than that. I am making plans to go out and be with my kids for a week in July.  My mom is excited about that. Tristian seemed more excited that his cake had Mario on it. Ah to be a kid again.

My life seems to revolve around work.  I never considered myself a workaholic or anything of that sort.  I do consider myself having a strong work ethic. Though after working down here in South Florida for the past six years I have come to realize that I am a workaholic compared to most down here. Sometimes when I get home I find myself working on things. I really don’t have much of a social life. I probably need to fix that.

~adieu

Tristian age 8 months

Today is Tristian’s birthday. Normally I spend it with him but due to financial limitations I have to pospone it till I can afford it. None the less, it is a very special day indeed.  There is not one second that passes that I don’t think about him, his smile, his laugh, the way he always says ‘daddy’. I do miss him very much. I wish I was there with him right now wishing him a happy birthday in person.

I recall last year, he and I went to see ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ at a special screening for special needs kids. I remember spending the entire day with him. I remember the chat we had as father and son after the long day. I remember him telling me that he misses me, that he wishes I was here and not so far far away.  I remember him saying, ‘I love you, daddy.’ Thinking upon these things now breaks my heart. Don’t get me wrong, it warms my heart and brings me joy. It’s the pain that I give him and his brother that brings me grief.

I don’t want any more sadness. This day, eight years ago, was the one of the two most happiest days of my entire life. My only wish is that Tristian understands this and will be as happy today as I was eight years ago.

I love you very much. I miss you even more. Happy birthday my darling son.