I awoke last night in midst of otherwise normally peaceful dreams to a dark foreboding. I had this sudden sense of loss and I realized I missed my kids very much. Tristian’s birthday is coming up very soon and it has been nearly a year since the last time I saw them. Feelings of self loathing came upon me. I feel like the worse father in the world. Granted, I know that I am not. I just feel I could have done so much better with Tristian and Jaiden.
Tristian will be 8 this year. So much time has passed and I feel I have wasted most of it. I often think things like: “Are his social difficulties, my fault?”, “Would things have been better for them both had I been around?”, “Could I have done better?”. I guess I am racked with guilt. I disappoint myself and falter on being a good father.