creativity often comes from feelings. in order to express yourself through art – whatever the media may be – you have to feel. inspiration, passion, and the transcendence of your higher self all require your heart to bleed. the blood needs to course out of your veins and into your art. it is a channeling of your soul – or spirit. call it however you like; it is that intangible, unidentifiable, and elusive inner spark that creates a masterpiece of our feelings for all to see. it is impossible to create without feelings.
for a long time, my feelings were dead. for all intents and purposes i was a zombie. for the better part of a year, i was unable to feel. i was unwilling to feel. this lack of feeling starved my creativity to the point of a horrific undeath. like all zombies – as if they actually are a real thing – i was mindless and consuming. i was not living. i was not creating. only destroying and feeding off remnants of discarded husks. a scavenger and a carrion feeder brought into its own creation by myself.
my lack of emotions and feelings were brought about by traumatic events all too painful to shut out. so, instead of shutting out, i shut down. i created my own frankenstein’s monster – though he had more feeling than i had at the time – out of myself and i became an empty wilted husk of my former self.
i weep as i write these words. something i have done more lately than not, but something i have not done in a long while. it is hard to weep when you feel nothing. it is easy when you feel greatly. i feel again. for this i am truly grateful and very much indebted to a very amazing woman, Jennifer. without her, i would never have felt love. i would never have felt sorrow. i would never have felt joy. i would never have felt regret. though i do not blame her for the more – shall we say – negative emotions. those are my own doing. more accurately, i feel that for the most part, i am responsible for my own emotional state.
i am no longer the zombie. i feel. i hurt greatly, but i feel.